I mostly just come here to write about my feelings and vent and stuff. Maybe this will help
I've been feeling pretty rough recently. I go from feeling fine and happy to angry to depressed to this to that to whatever all the time. I don't just mean I have some good days and some bad days. it's more like good hours and bad hours. I'll be fine one minute then I'm just... not. Maybe it's a lack of sleep. Maybe it's just everything. I can't keep going like this. Something has to change. Please let something change.
I feel so directionless. So stuck. I yearn for a past who forgot me but I'm glued to a future that doesn't even want me. But that's how it always was. When looking at the past I really do wear rose tinted glasses. But surely it wasn't all bad right?
I mean I used to have friends to hang out with at least. Now I don't. Sometimes I get to talk to those old friends and sometimes I even get to game with them for 30-60 minutes. But... I fear I have become a side character to all of their lives. I hoisted myself out of their lives to start my own. I often wonder if moving from Utah was the worst decision of my life. I made so many cool memories, learned so much, met so many awesome people, all because I left. But that's all in the past. Those people have all but forgotten me too. I wasted a year of my life. Not on partying, not on love (kinda, but we'll get into the love stuff eventually some day) and not on money. On nothing. I was ultimately miserable for most of the time I was doing sales. I wasn't successful, and I wasn't really friends with anyone there.
But while I was doing sales I met my fiance. We've been through a lot together, but most of that has been self induced. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship is healthy. If it's right. I don't know that it's healthy for me. But at the same time, maybe I'm happier here than anywhere else. Stuck here. In this house. With HER family. No friends. No relationships. No hobbies. Nothing.
I miss my family. I miss being happy.
I feel like I have nobody to share my interests with. I feel like any time I talk to my fiance about something I care about I'm met with disinterest. Any time I bring up my feelings I'm met with nothing - or at least no concern. I feel like I just can't do anything right sometimes. I try so hard to make things good for us. But I don't have a good enough job. I always forget things no matter how hard I try. I'm clumsy. I just feel like a pain no matter what. I dont feel appreciated at all. We rarely kiss. And when we do it feels like it's mostly just for me. She doesn't seem to enjoy it. She'll usually back away or push me away if I try to kiss her. But when she looks at me waiting for a kiss (while I'm not looking) she always says I was too slow. And then I just feel sad.
I try to do things for her to make her happy too. I massage her feet nearly every night to help her sleep and her back most nights too. She doesn't really show appreciateion for this, she acts more like it's just expected of me at this point. And when I ask for a massage or back scratches (I ask at most once per week but probably less usually) I get treated like it's the most inconvenient chore. Then she'll usually do it for a couple minutes while pausing every now and then to scroll tiktok and then she'll just stop. It feels like all this effort I put in is never matched. I cook food every night (usually while she lays on the couch in another room), then I also help clean everything up. I do the laundry alone every time we do a load. If she's home she'll just scroll through tiktok while I do the laundry. I help her get her clothes and towel together to go shower. She has never helped me with that. All of is met with what often feels like very little appreciation. Instead it feels like I just get scrutenized for the things I'm doing wrong. The things I'm forgetting.
I have a bad habit of raising my voice. Not in an angry way, more like a child who just drank a redbull. She usually gets mad at me and shushes me and that makes me feel so sad. Maybe there just isn't a good way to tell me that I'm being loud, but she always does it in a way that is hurtful to me. Paired with that I'm often told my tone is rude when I genuinely have no intent of sounding mean. I completely understand being hurt when I sound mean, but I try to clarify that "I didn't mean it to sound rude, but I completely understand why you took it that way" when I'm told I'm using a tone, but that too is usually met with disdain. Once she gets angry it's like I have to worship the air she breaths in order to gain any sort of forgiveness. Yet I forgive so easily. I feel like I always try to just let go of arguments but she keeps score. And when she's mad she stays mad. Everything I say when she's angry is combative or rude or hostile. If I apologize it's sarcastic, but if I don't then I'm being an asshole.
I feel so stuck, so lost. I just miss my friends, my family, my happiness. But I also love this woman so much. Sometimes it feels like I've pretty much dedicated my entire existence to trying to make her happier at this point.
I know this feeling will pass. It always does. Then I'll feel happy again. Content. Maybe I'm just sedated.
Every day I lose 24 hours. Has it been worth it?
I hope you enjoyed the tea